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[17 May 2009|02:49pm] |
I had this thought a few weeks ago, it was terrifying, and it was that I lacked definition in boundaries between what Jonathan is and what I am. I realized that I often think of us as almost the same person, that I don't consider him something separate, but more as an extension of me (but that's wrong because I wouldn't say that I consider him some PART of me, with me as the main part and him as the afterthought or addition, but as a smooth transition like that between two colors that blend in the middle to make a third).
I think of us in the same terms, is probably the best way to put it. I don't think "oh, he will do __________ or want __________ or need ___________" I consider what we would want and need and do all as one thing. It's really unifying but really scary when I find myself sitting across from him drinking coffee and escape from the reality of the moment and think that I don't know him as a separate being from myself, that I never have
(before we were together, I had a hard time imagining that he existed when I wasn't around -- I guess he just went away when I wasn't there, too-- and seeing his house and how he lived for the first time made it exist because I was there, and things slowly came out of the shadows as I got to know them, and he became a complete person to me only as I was involved in his life)
, and realize that there might be something very wrong with my perception because isn't it a symptom of mental illness to have problems differentiating between yourself and other people? But it's not really like that with anyone else, and I remember things about past relationships "Neil doesn't like onions, so we can't eat this together" that made the other person so distant from my definition of self that I know it's not just me trying to do this but just the way things have happened. I never said "we" before this, not in the real way it's meant, but I can't think of myself as not-we that often anymore unless I am in a situation of which he is no part (work, car, certain friendships).
I told him this, and he doesn't think that it's a sign of some problem but that he thinks of me like he thinks of himself but with subtle differences and I think it's probably just the way things are supposed to be because I am so comfortable with it that it makes life seem so normal in a way that never happened anywhere or anytime else (from early childhood to early adulthood I have no memories of feeling like I fit, I always felt outside myself watching things, and even with my own family or with old friends, I watch myself more than I feel like I am myself)
He says that life seems so different when I'm out of town that he has a hard time feeling normal. It's the same way for me.
It is almost mind-blowing to think "that is another person, he is thinking something different from what you are thinking, feeling something different from what you are feeling" because it's difficult to imagine because he is so comfortable and so familiar that he just can't be any different.
It reminds me of once in the 7th grade when I touched the arm of a guy I had a crush on and realized that I had touched him (I had never touched someone I had a crush on before), and that I knew nothing about his experiences before that or when I touched his arm that I didn't know how it felt for him (I could only feel how it felt to my hand, not how it felt to his arm), and I thought at that moment that it would be impossible for me to find unity with another person when I could only feel it on my end and not on theirs, and how could I be comfortable with another person? (especially having that thought at 13 when I couldn't be comfortable with myself yet)
That feeling stayed with me through most of my relationships (platonic or romantic), and I came to realize that almost no one is completely honest in their statements or in their touches and that without complete openness, it would always be flawed and always end in just some approximation of closeness when really it was just two people reaching and then falling short.
And I guess what I thought, with Neil being the ultimate example, is that I don't know you at all and you don't know me at all, but we can get used to each other until we feel like we do enough to build a relationship on that. I thought that was what love was.
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[23 Feb 2009|06:41pm] |
So I've had Death FluTM and lost 8 lbs. I was a good healthy 128 on Wednesday and found myself at 120 just 3 days later. All I ate for 3 days was a couple handfulls of apple cinnamon cheerios.
LAME.
Also, if you're unaware, I got a job at a strip club. There are many lulz to be had there! Also, it's pretty cool to get to watch strippers for 8 hours a night. It sort of gets old, but I'm nice and get along with everybody, so the environment stays fun for me.
The music situation there is a little unfortunate. I probably hear one complete Tool album (or enough from two of them to make a third hybrid album) throughout the course of a night when a certain DJ works, and I always hear 300% too much Nickelback. Any amount of Nickelback is at least 100% too much, but their songs seem to fit well with the atmosphere (marketing? love of objectifying women?). Anyway, here are the topics of some of their songs featured at my place of employment:
STRIPPERS!
STRIPPERS WHO ARE ALSO HOOKERS (but don't have to go to jail because the judge presiding over the case is the one who paid for the stripper's boob job)!
SEX (they even break it down to tell you what S and E AND X stand for in the word)!
GIRL WHO IS A COCKTEASE!
GIRL WHO IS A COCKTEASE BUT IS THE (BAD BAD) GIRLFRIEND OF THE LEAD SINGER!
DRINKING!
And they all sound exactly alike, so I'm sure I've forgotten a couple because I CAN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE UNLESS I LISTEN TO THE WORDS.
Some of the customers are surprisingly normal people, too. I like them and can get along with them just fine. Soooommme of them, however... For whatever reason, some guys think that a strip club is just a fancy dating service. And I guess if you have money or are really, really cute (and have money), it can be.
So anyway, on Saturday night I had a guy talking to me FOREVER and keeping me from going to other tables, and he kept telling me that he'd rather have me be the one dancing for him and the one getting to sit and talk to him instead of the strippers, and I said cocktail waitresses aren't allowed to do that. He said he wanted to get some funny money (money only good at that club on that day) and asked me how much he should get. I told him the minimum was $50, but suggested he get at least $100 or $200. He said he'd spend some of it on me. I said okay, and filled it out for $100. He started getting kind of belligerent with all the paper work (you have to sign and thumb print everything because people dispute charges so often), so I tried to avoid him. Then when I came back, he started asking if I had a boyfriend and telling me how lonely he was and being really uncomfortable and nervous... I usually try to avoid telling customers that I have a boyfriend (they stop giving you money) so I was trying to avoid the question. He wouldn't let up, so I told him yes. He completely shut down and I got up and walked away and tried to avoid him the rest of the night. I was at the front door when he left, and he wouldn't even look at me. I made $15 off him.
On the brighter side, I had a table of guys a few weeks ago, and the one paying loved it when girls talked dirty. I told him I could do it in two languages... and after doing so, made $58 off their table. They're asking for me next time.
Really, it's just all about having good social skills and knowing how to lead guys on. I'm pretty good at both of those, so I do okay. I just prefer it when the guys understand the nature of a strip club (that they're there to be teased) because it makes it much more enjoyable for everyone.
Also, I had another guy Saturday night who ordered two LIT's, and he wanted me to break a $100 for him. I did so, and when I got back, he not only did not tip me, he even SHOOED ME AWAY WITH HIS HAND. Stupid motherfucker. I found a $20 in his seat after he left!
Anyway, I'm going to go back to sleep.
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| A Suvey. |
[26 Dec 2008|08:53pm] |
1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
VW Museum! ..aand lots and lots of other things
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't make them
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes! My friend Jordan did.. on November 12th.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Not this year
5. What countries did you visit?
Germany and France
6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
More money.
7. What date(s) from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
January 12, first kiss
February 14, the day it snowed and we went at 6am to go play in it... and we got cardboard boxes at Wal-Mart because they didn't sell sleds at that one, and we tried to go sledding without gloves and hats, but we didn't go far.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Graduating
9. What was your biggest failure?
Not enjoying every day as much as I could have.
10. Did you suffer any illness or injury?
I had a miscarriage!
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Probably my "Schützt unsere Umwelt!" ("protect our environment!") bag
the text on mine is under the rainbow, but you get the point
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Jonathan's
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Neil's.. I don't like being manipulated.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Food and rent
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Seeing Jonathan again after Germany
16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
A lot of them.... but especially "All Day and All of the Night" by The Kinks
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? much, much happier.. I was so super depressed last Christmas because Jonathan was all I really wanted. Waking up to him looking back at me this Christmas was... indescribable.
ii. thinner or fatter? fatter by 15 lbs
iii. richer or poorer? poorer by far
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Kissing
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Worrying
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
We spent time with his family and then with mine
22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
sort of... I did something about it in 2008
23. How many one-night stands?
4, but 1 of them ended up being a repeat offender.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
Kitchen Nightmares
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
not really...
26. What was the best book you read?
Song of Solomon by Toni Morrison
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Gogol Bordello
28. What did you want and get?
Jonathan
29. What did you want and not get?
Jonathan
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
The Dark Knight was the only film made in 2008 that I saw.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Ate and drank with friends, and I was 22.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Jonathan being with me in Germany
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Non-conceptual
34. What kept you sane?
The Internet
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Obama, I guess
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
The erection.
37. Who did you miss?
Jonathan
38. Who was the best new person you met?
Thomas!
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
That milk that isn't refrigerated is super, super gross.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Here's the whole song:
"Where are you going I don't mind
I've killed my world and I've killed my time
So where do I go what do I see
I see many people coming after me
So where are you going to I don't mind
If I live too long I'm afraid I'll die
So I will follow you wherever you go
If your offered hand is still open to me
Strangers on this road we are on
We are not two we are one
So you've been where I've just come
From the land that brings losers on
So we will share this road we walk
And mind our mouths and beware our talk
'Till peace we find tell you what I'll do
All the things I own I will share with you
If I feel tomorrow like I feel today
We'll take what we want and give the rest away
Strangers on this road we are on
We are not two we are one
Holy man and holy priest
This love of life makes me weak at my knees
And when we get there make your play
'Cos soon I feel you're gonna carry us away
In a promised lie you made us believe
For many men there is so much grief
And my mind is proud but it aches with rage
And if I live too long I'm afraid I'll die
Strangers on this road we are on
We are not two we are one
Strangers on this road we are on
We are not two we are one"
-the Kinks, "Strangers"
Also, this poem by E. E. Cummings:
now all the fingers of this tree(darling)have
hands,and all the hands have people;and
more each particular person is(my love)
alive than every world can understand
and now you are and i am and now we're
a mystery which will never happen again,
a miracle which has never happened before-
and shining this our now must come to then
our then shall be some darkness during which
fingers are without hands;and i have no
you:and all trees are(any more than each
leafless)its silent in forevering snow
-but never fear(my own,my beautiful
my blossoming) for also then's until
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[02 Nov 2008|03:25pm] |
We're basically 100% sure that Jonathan's ex wrote this from one of her friends' facebook accounts.... and it brought the lulz for us for a little bit. I'm just pretty sad that she never messaged me back after this.
It also makes me a little sad to know that if I were most girls, this would have been a serious problem. :/
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[30 Oct 2008|10:33am] |
Kenny and I were inspired by today's dinosaur comics to start listing advertising slogans, replacing a word with "intercourse."
Here's some:
- intercourse: apply directly to the forehead
- intercourse: mmm mmm, good
- just do intercourse
- i'm thinkin' intercourse!
- intercourse we can believe in!
- stop. go. intercourse.
- intercourse: cars like us, people love us!
- intercourse: a proven maverick!
- the incredible, edible intercourse
- got intercourse?
- intercourse: just gotta have more!
- gotta wanta needa getta hava intercourse
- have you had your intercourse today?
- did somebody say intercourse?
- i'm lovin' intercourse
- finger lickin' intercourse
- have intercourse your way
- it's intercourse time!
- aim high. intercourse.
- an intercourse of one
- the few, the proud, the intercourse
- i'm cuckoo for intercourse!
- leggo my intercourse
- dude, you're getting an intercourse
- i just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to intercourse
- easy, breezy, beautiful, intercourse
- intercourse. it's what's for dinner.
- there's always room for intercourse!
- intercourse of champions
- they're magically intercourse
- give me a break! give me a break! break me off a piece of that intercourse!
- taste the intercourse
- dogs don't know it's not intercourse
- this is your brain on intercourse
- the champagne of intercourse
- maybe she's born with it, maybe it's intercourse.
- where's the intercourse?
then we got bored of it.
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| CATS ARE AWESOME |
[17 Oct 2008|05:17pm] |
Yesterday I saw Buddy do the sweetest thing for me ever. I was sitting at the computer, and saw him leap up onto the porch and run into the house carrying something. It was a dead mole. He went straight for my bookbag and put it in there. Then when I came to investigate, he started playing with it in and around my bookbag until I picked it up with a plastic bag and threw it away. I appreciated it, though! I just.... don't really like moles.
Then just a few minutes ago, Stalin was bothering me to be fed. Then when I put food in their bowl, he kept bothering me like he wanted to go outside. (IT'S RAINING) It turns out that since Buddy was eating the food, Stalin just wanted to get me to open the door... because as soon as I did, Buddy went outside and Stalin went straight for the food bowl.
I LOVE CATS.
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[13 Oct 2008|10:49am] |
So we have this gross stagnant-looking water thing (pond??) behind our house! I thought it impossible for anything to live in there... but I was wrong!!
So far I have seen:
- turtles
- fish
- great blue heron!!
and yesterday I saw..........
A BEAVER!!!
I have a beaver that lives behind my house. lulz, beaver.
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[08 Oct 2008|04:44am] |
SO I'm doing research! That isn't new..... but I'm starting to write the paper itself, and I keep wanting to write:
"They so straight, they gay again" as a sentence in it.
LET ME EXPLAIN! So basically, I'm writing about group identities in soccer, and one of the things I'm talking about is gender. That includes sexuality, too! Right now I'm writing about how professional athletes can show their support for one another physically through behavior that would be considered homosexual ANYWHERE ELSE (look at baseball.. patting some dude's butt? come on guys!! you gaaaaayyy)
I already used the phrase "full circle" as referring to masculine behavior, but "they so straight, they gay again" seems to sum up my point TOO WELL.
I want to go back to sleep :(
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[03 Oct 2008|03:59am] |
I'm avoiding writing a paper right now!
I was just thinking about it, and I think it would be cool to name all my children after characters in literature I like. The problem with that is that my children would be named things like Gregor and Quentin. Telling those two that they were named after a dude who turned into a giant bug (Gregor Samsa in "Die Verwandlung" ("The Metamorphosis") by Kafka) and a dude who killed himself because he was in love with his sister (Quentin Compson in The Sound and the Fury by Faulkner), respectively, would be a little fucked up... but I typically don't like characters who don't have some kind of gross or terrible flaw. Also, I knew a guy whose baby's name was Pearl, and every time I saw her or he talked about her, I would think about The Scarlet Letter.
I want to look more into Southern Gothic as a literary genre because I've loved everything I've read in that style so far. I should just go to grad school for comparative literature. Or I at least need to do something with American literature, too... I don't think I could just keep reading Faust over and over.
Also, I think Jonathan had the best idea on how I should deal with Neil: make him be disgusted by me. No matter what I say that makes him angry, it only takes at max 2 or 3 days before he starts texting me again... so Jonathan said jokingly, "just make him think you're a junkie, and he'll leave you alone.. be like 'yeah, Jon got me into heroin and I gotta go shoot up, brb'"
Would it be mean to trick my ex into thinking I'm a drug addict to make him leave me alone? Because I know it would be Hilarious. With a capital H (lol, H). Also, if you think it'd be way too super mean, you probably don't know Neil, and he probably doesn't have your phone number to text you all the goddamn time.
Because I think I would really like to meet up with him to get more of my stuff and have makeup track marks and act all smacked-up. He's always implied with things he's said and done that he doesn't think I have any self-control and that I'm easily influenced by others, so I'm almost certain he'd believe anything like that. Plus, it'd probably be much more fun for me than just trying to keep saying "leave me alone" over and over and hoping he eventually does.
... that is basically just a variation in what I need to do anyway. I just need to say things that are just terrible enough to make him never bother me again, but not terrible enough to make him come after me. None of it will be lies, and I'll try to not do it too maliciously.
But seriously, the only problem is that I just want that jacket back. It was my dad's. It's really cool. If I didn't want it back, I'd have been completely through with him by now and I would have blocked his numbers, screen names, e-mail addresses, etc. I tried to do that very cleanly when I was in Germany, but my cell phone there didn't have the option to block numbers, so he called me over 20 times in 11 minutes and left me 8 messages on my phone, all of which were of him screaming or crying.
Being honest with him has another advantage; basically, if he doesn't want to handle me as I really am and handle things that are real and have really happened, we should not be friends. I already know that this is an impossibility, but if I don't give him the chance to be driven away by me-as-I-actually-am, he will keep trying to have a very superficial relationship with me every day via text message. Either that or I just lead him to believe I'm a junkie. Decisions, decisions.
That's how I seem to operate, though... I try to deal with people as honestly and justly as I can, but when it doesn't work, I do something somewhat mean and really funny (to me, at least). So I think I'll try the straight up approach while dropping subtle hints as to my love for illegal drugs, in case the straight up doesn't work (and it probably won't unless it includes a restraining order, unfortunately).
I'm going to try to settle this tomorrow...
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| using the live journal to write something real |
[27 Sep 2008|08:36pm] |
something still feels open. something left undone or unsaid or un s c r e a m e d.
now i walk home with a smile instead of feeling defeated every time and i love it and i feel at home for the first time. and it sounds just as dumb as it is that we make a great team. but i can dig into him with honesty. is it the smile and somewhat sweet nostalgia every time he talks about shooting up, although i know he hates the duality more than i do - love the drug, hate the addiction, love the addict, too. i suffered and he suffered and i was okay and he spared me and i tore into him poetically and i rested as he recovered and we ended up back at one in the car on the interstate going nowhere. i feel at pieces with him (glued back together mixed in with his in a jumble of porcelain, of course). as it always is under the skin even if i scribble hate and jealousy of heroin(e)s greater than i when i'm writing and across an ocean. i still feel and he feels and we are one and were from that moment and the perfection/connection undermines everything.
but there are things that i want to scream and to stop side-stepping and tiptoeing and flat-out lying to the text messages and to be bothered and i h a t e that it keeps me under his foot even if he has no idea it's not the other way around. trying forever to make him feel okay when i was using pieces of myself as the bait to lead him into some kind of real adulthood. and secretly in love with - crying because i knew i was giving up when we were moving in - and i said nothing was wrong and yet i knew i loved him when i was jealous of the woman kissing his lips in august and i ignored it and tried to not feel in pain at every moment and i lied and tried to be the saving grace of someone just trying to keep me around for my empty shell and nothing about me was what he wanted, just that he wasn't alone. and it kills to have to side-step the truth that i - it was six months that i loved and didn't- but i knew it was okay because as long as he existed and i existed there would be some kind of peace within me.
but now NOW i want to just scream at him and tell him how i left every winter morning to be with the one i really loved and how i curled up with him for hours and talked and fucked and felt like i belonged somewhere and that we were going to get married that day in february but i felt such symbolism in names and realized it was sunday when i went to put my shoes on to go get married when i hadn't even broken up with him yet and he had no idea and i want to just scream at him to make him unimportant or more important - just to feel like i hadn't wasted and am not still wasting my time worrying about him.
and there are so many moments that stick in my blurred alcoholic's memory of events from my loving life for the first time and feeling free and when i found out that same night that our names would be the same (he pointed it out when i noticed his middle name and he said "hey, if we got married, we'd have almost the same name") and i kissed him and the whole world stopped.
but i still feel dishonest and incomplete whenever i get a text message from a user still using (me) and i want to just put my foot on his chest and knock him backwards and down out of my life. i need to get my dad's jacket out of his manipulative huge child hands and put on some cleats.
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[10 Sep 2008|09:52pm] |
I was told the other day that we were to switch sides of the bed that were established upon moving into this apartment. Okay....
Then yesterday, I was told why. Apparently, "because I like to sleep on my left side, and I want to sleep facing you."
Pretty cool.
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[06 Sep 2008|03:13pm] |
Last night we fell asleep on the couch at about 9 'o clock... He came over and put his arm around me, and it was really comforting... so we both kind of nodded off. He's not usually that affectionate. I prefer it that way because I don't like being touched all that much, and I feel smothered in a relationship pretty easily. I actually knew him for more than a year before we came into any physical contact with each other... and we usually sleep with about a foot in between us if he doesn't sleep on the couch instead. But it was really nice to sleep touching him all night. He had his arm around me or I had my head on his chest the whole night... and I woke up with my face against his shoulder. The only other time we've ever slept touching was when we were passed out drunk on a couch together. It made an impact on how I feel about physical affection. I remember when I first started to want to kiss him all the time- it wasn't because I wanted to fuck him, it was because I wanted to be close to him. In most cases, me touching someone is directly related to me having sex with them. Jonathan was the first person with whom physical affection was an expression of something I felt. It made sex much better.
Also, on another note, everyone should know that some people can have really terrible reactions to antibiotics. I had this bad armpit bump (probably an infected sweat gland? which is weird because the doctor said that is usually caused by antiperspirant use, and I'm allergic to deodorant of any kind and haven't used any since 8th grade) and it hurt really badly, so I went to the doctor..... after waiting almost 2 weeks because I knew I'd be on antibiotics. Background: I had a miscarriage earlier this year, even though I was taking birth control like I should. So we have a track record of OH GOD HOW WAS I PREGNANT without the help of antibiotics.
So Monday I was put on doxycycline. APPARENTLY, it makes some people psychotic. It's pretty rare from what I can tell, and "mental/mood changes" is listed deep in the fine print of side effects you get when you fill the prescription... but I had a 36-hour long panic attack. I couldn't stop crying, I could only sleep for 2 hours at a time, and I started to think about suicide. I have never felt like that before in my life. Jonathan didn't know what to do with me...
So I didn't take the pill Wednesday morning and went back to the doctor. They put me on something else, and now I feel almost normal. I'm still a little jittery and am just now starting to sleep longer than 2 hours at a time (4 hours last night then 6 this morning).... and I am frightened. I already hate taking vicodin because it makes me COMPLETELY lose touch with reality, so I know that some drugs can have ridiculous mental side effects for me. Other drugs don't work at all (muscle relaxers, almost all pain killers)... so maybe it's all or nothing? Either way, now I will be paranoid whenever I get a prescription for something I've never taken before.
So be careful with pills, y'all!
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[06 Aug 2008|06:09pm] |
Everything is.. awesome.
I thought I'd be really unhappy to be back in the US of A, but it's been the best week I've had in a really, really long time.
Really.. Jonathan and I have been driving all over the place, but just having him around has been great. I'm exhausted.
We found an apartment.... and we move in on Friday.
We also went fishing today (his family lives on a lake), and we used beef bacon that tasted like jerky and bologna as bait. Theeennnn I dropped the fishing pole in the water. I was going to go in after it, and even started taking my skirt off to do so, but he told me before how nasty the water was, so I hesitated and it floated out of my reach and then sank. It was pretty funny. Then we saw what looked like a big nasty jelly fish and poked at it.. I was glad I didn't dive in after the pole after all.
Every moment is better. We've spent most of the last week just laughing.
I feel normal again.
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[20 Jul 2008|10:14pm] |
I'm emotionally destroyed right now.
I got some sense of closure.. I guess that's what I can call it.
Four years ago I met someone here. We were 17. He was beautiful, beautiful accent, full of life... We went to Berlin, and my knee was hurt, and he went to the emergency room with me. Then he carried me up and down all the stairs we came to. I visited him in Berlin this weekend. (it's important to note here that he has a significant other) Nothing felt different.. it was like unpausing life. We were walking up the stairs to the train yesterday, and I asked him if he remembered... he said he did and asked if everything was better. I asked him what he would do if I said no, and he said "I'd carry you."
I was always a little sad. He was my regret.
We walked around the city, and it started raining, so I took my flip flops off and jumped in puddles. He said, "you always find something to be interested in wherever you go, don't you?" and I said "that's how life should be." We rolled a joint and watched part of a movie on TV at 4am.. and the power went out right when the movie was over. The candle he had lit was the only light in the room. Then he put his forehead against mine.. then I put my cheek against his..... and when I kissed him again for the first time, I was overcome with this passion and need.. and I woke up this morning feeling whole. Like I had come full-circle in a way. And I said, in English, "I've never known what it is about you..." and he said, "that makes you feel that way?" and I said, "yes..." and he said, "I don't know either, but I like it. I don't regret anything." And I didn't for the first time, either.
It feels a little upsetting to know that I have truly loved two men.. but it feels better to know that I loved the first one at all instead of wondering what could have been... I guess overall I am glad.
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[14 Jul 2008|11:18pm] |
So I think I should also mention this before I forget to talk about it.
I'm supposed to be studying for an exam tomorrow morning, but fuck iiiit.
I met a WWII vet a few weeks ago. His name is Wilhelm, and he is 82, I think. He was in a tank at Normandy and was captured a few days after it exploded and he escaped. He was helped by a Jewish soldier (wow) to make it to the USA. He worked in Mississippi and in Florida before he ended up in Scotland. It took him 5 years to make it back to his hometown. His story was so interesting, and he told it to me IN ENGLISH. I've met people my age whose English isn't as good as his. He's the only person above age 50 who I've met who can speak English AT ALL.
He also has an e-mail address. Most older Germans don't even have the internet, but he has an e-mail address.
I'll post a picture of my friend Aileen and me with him when she sends it to me.
I come back to NC in 2 weeks. I've never felt this extreme duality before... I want to be back so badly so I can hit the play button again and really feel again, but I like it here better.
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[10 Jul 2008|06:32pm] |
Oh livejournal, I can't leave you. Blogger is too hard to keep up with, and all I really wanted was to keep away from my ex a little and vent some.
I go back to the US soon, and I already have a bad taste in my mouth. Can't can't can't can't. can't. There's a car I want to drive and a man I feel even now... I need to do some things (go to Ohio, get my degree) there and grab him and never let him go. Then we can start over and try to find a place and a life that let us not keep just rotting. It makes me question the careful planning and not-crazy-overwhelming relationships everyone else has. I guess I still feel a little odd really talking about things on teh internets.
anyway, here's a survey I stole from Stephanie:
( my opinions on some stuff )
Also, through a conversation with Jamiedude, I've come up with the phrase "to wallow in your own vagina" to describe any time a woman uses her sex to justify a behavior that disgusts me.
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[21 Apr 2008|04:49pm] |
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I'm in Germany. I made a new blog. For those of you who aren't on my friends' list, I'll give out the info accordingly.
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[20 Dec 2007|07:29am] |
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Trying to watch pop-up video on youtube supports my theory about that site: 94% of all possible searches will give you anime.
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[23 Nov 2007|11:30am] |
Neil uses his phone to send me pictures of sunrises while he's at work. He's done this quite a few times. The day before yesterday, he said "this way i get to see all the pretty sunrises w you"
He also put all of his work uniforms-- and nothing else-- into our closet. It was like he was Doug.
I also wanted to draw attention to the fact that Blade lives in our friends' building. This really muscular black guy moved into an apartment on their floor a while ago. He has the same haircut as Wesley Snipes did in the movies. None of us have ever seen him not wear sunglasses.
... and when we went over there last week, we noticed HIS APARTMENT WINDOWS WERE TINTED. When Neil pointed them out to me, I said "OH FUCK. He really IS Blade!!"
When I said that, there was a woman walking up behind us to go into his apartment. MAYBE HE KNOWS WE KNOW HE IS BLADE. FUCK.
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[06 Nov 2007|04:50pm] |
I have to say that I love my life right now.
I'm working on a project that I think will blow my classmates and professor away.
I've got a paper brewing in my head that, once crapped out through my fingers onto the screen, will be epic in its awesome Kafka-through-the-eyes-of-the-French-revolution analysis.
I was asked to be a research assistant for one of my professors.
I got my acceptance letter from Eberhard Karls Universität Tübingen this morning. SEHR GEEHRTE FRAU COLE is how it begins (very honorable Ms. Cole).
I had a weekend full of old friends and loving life (and throwing it all up and having Neil bring me a bucket. that bucket is love.)
Neil's son said "dada" with meaning and took a step and did a faceplant a few times. And I love him like my own.
My car is getting painted as my birthday/x-mas present from my family.
I have the confidence that getting my PhD will be A-OKAY (that will change in another 20 minutes... it flip-flops 30 times a day as I realize I am a year from graduation).
... and in a couple of hours, I will go home to our HOUSE and eat dinner and settle down to take a huge literary Kafka dump all over the place.
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